i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
