I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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