Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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