I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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