At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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