8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
i now understand why vodka
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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