you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
