i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
