I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
