remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
