Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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