but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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