I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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