And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
