I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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