I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
