If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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