All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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