Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
You should frame my arrest warrant.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
