This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Randomize
