Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
