What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
