so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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