Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
