Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
