i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize