I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I have demons in me.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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