Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
