I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
