I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
