Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
