i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
FUCK WHALES
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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