Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
My bed smells like the plague
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
