I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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