If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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