when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
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