Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
