So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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