I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
