Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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