I'm pants shitting drunk right now
this just has baby written all over it
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
We're using joints as your birthday candles
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
my poor anus
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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