When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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