please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
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