I met the friendliest cop last night
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
