sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
