he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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