this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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