I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
