Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
