seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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